This could be a best seller or I don’t know, just my ordinary life (and my cousin and grandmother)
I am taking a risk here. I am going to open my heart to you and talk about my childhood and the meaning of the Portuguese word: Saudade.
I was born in 1987, and boy, I miss it. I know I don’t remember the 80s, I was only less than 3 years when 1990 started, but I always felt that I lived the entire 80s. Maybe because I have watched many movies, maybe because the 80’s American culture just arrived in my country by the ’90s, but I have always felt that I belonged to the 80s and lived the 80s. One big help to this feeling and sense of belonging was my eldest cousin, Carolina, she was born in 1983, and as a true 80s girl she did all the steps and had all the 80s girl’s trends.
I had a crazy adoration for my cousin, I really don’t know why or when this started, maybe from the start, when I was born.
Since I remember I always loved to be with her, no matter what. She lived with my grandmother, so whenever my mom need a babysitter I went to my grandmother’s. And my first question was always: “where is Carolina? Is she upstairs?” (the bedrooms are on the first floor).
And here was I running stairs up, “you run like horses!” my grandmother used to tell us when we run like this through the old house that shook all the glass and plates in the dining room.
I was happy as long I was with her. I really don’t know how did she stand me all that time, I mean, see from afar I was annoying. Tell me what kid stands to have a younger cousin always glued to you?
I literally was glued to her ALL the time, even when she was taking a bath, studying, sleeping, and even taking the number two, yeah… my grandfather used to ask me if I liked the smell, I remember being pissed, he would never understand my bonding to her, and he loved to tease me, he also teased us when I slept there because she only had one single bed and we slept in the same bed but I slept with the head to her feet and my feet to her head, (don’t worry we were kids, our feet were far from each other’s head and nose) and he also asked if we liked to smell each other’s stinky feet. Now I laugh, missing my grandfather, he passed away in the same year Princess Diana passed, on the twenty-first of December.
That year was the first year we stop having Santa at home, we were all too sad to pretend we didn’t know it was my cousin doing the Santa.
I have 3 cousins on my mother’s side, 2 younger and The cousin, Carolina, the eldest. Oh God, I was really obsessed, just knowing I was going to see her that day it made me so happy and anxious for the moment we would be together. I was lucky she lived with my grandmother so I could see her almost every day.
I remember I admire her so much, to me she was perfect, and nobody could criticize her. I mean, it wasn’t just a matter that I wouldn’t let them, I just didn’t see flaws in her.
My mother is a teacher so she had the entire month of August free, and I had 3 months of vacation. the first two were passed at my grandmother’s with my brother and cousins, yes I have a brother also, he is cute, blond and very tall, but back then he was just an annoying boy, why couldn’t my cousin be my sister instead of my actual brother? He could be my cousin, I wouldn’t mind seeing him almost every day but at least I would live with my cousin and I could be with her 24/7, what a dream!
So during the 2 months of summer vacations my mother was working I was at my grandmother’s from early in the morning, probably 8 or half past 8, until 5 or 6 P.M., so I had this entire day with her, We could be together since the breakfast until the mid-afternoon snack. and it was summer, so I watched all her routines. Bath, taking care of animals, always cats, some years, fishes, and some plants, cactus. I remember one she had, I only had one flower in many years. I went to do some chores with her like going to a groceries shop, sometimes we went to the library to rent a book or a VHS, but they only had old movies or we already had watched the good ones so we went to this small video rental shop. we also went to see all the windows shop in the city, and we even entered some shops. We also ride the bike through the small parks of the city, we had this route we did almost always in the same places. when I was older we even went to the beach, and that wasn’t close, it is about 5Km far. At the beach we toke tomato and cheese sandwiches or ham and tomato, it was nice back then, now I don’t understand well, I didn’t like ham even when I eat meat.
In August our mothers (that are sisters) were on vacation and all we did was go to the beach, every day, like a full-time job, from Monday to Friday, in the morning and afternoon, (sometimes we even had lunch on the beach.) And even if it was gray sky and windy we went to the beach. It was like a ritual, or a job, as I have said.
On our beach we had beach tents we can rent, the tents made rows and lines, and in our row, we knew almost every person that rented a tent there. they were our cousins, grandmother, neighbors, and friends.
We never arranged things, it was our meeting point, the beach in our tent row, every day. We didn’t text each other, we had no cell phone it was the 90s.
We just knew that when we arrive at the beach someone would be there to have a great day with us.
In a day we did castles, dig holes, caves and bridges in the sand, we did sand pastries to sell to our family members, we did walks by the sea, we take sea baths when we can because the sea is brave and strong here, we run to the beach bar to buy icecream to everybody in the middle of the afternoon and take another sea bath because we love the sea, and by the end of the day near the sunset we did something that I loved, just like every other kid, to ask someone to drag us in a beach towel, like a sled usually someone like dad or uncle with strong enough to run.
Another thing I loved to do at the beach was to lunch at the beach, I don’t know why but there was and there is something very fulfilling to me to pass lunch at the beach, even when we need to walk off the beach because it is too hot after the lunch, but not going home, spend all day long, straight there. And to lunch listening to the waves, is so calming and peaceful to me. There are some foods and fruit that I associate with the beach and they are sandwiches, all types but especially boiled egg, tuna, and tomato, and a lot of fruits like peach, grapes, plums, and melon.
I really love the summer, if you couldn’t tell until now.
Because of two things, the weather, actually three things, the weather, the beach, and my cousin, I could be with her every day for about three months straight on vacations, what a dream.
Let’s move on to speak about my grandmother, I haven’t talked much about her but she is worth talking about.
My grandmother was born in 1931, on February 17th to be more precise, and you think, an old lady, right? yeah, she maybe looks a bit old but if you know her, oh boy, her spirit is about 30 years old and moves like a 60-year-old or so. She has always been very active. She had 4 pregnancies but only 3 children and a husband to take care of, my grandfather. Then she had 5 grandchildren, us. we spent a lot of time at their house when we were sick and couldn’t go to school when we had school breaks and our parents were working, or just at family gatherings and birthdays. when we were there we used to watch tv, some VHS, and play with my cousin’s toys since she lived there. Since she was the oldest she used to do some magic tricks for us, I remember three, touch fire, the hair band that jumped from one finger to another, and the coin that disappear into a piece of fabric, I never learn how she did the last one. She also taught me to do some medieval braid bracelets, all card games I know, and Monopoly, she taught me that as well, but we always played a friendly version where whoever bought a color the other one didn’t buy it so we can have complete color cards, so I never got used to when I started to play with other people and they bought everything aggressively.
I also participated in the pet routines like helping change the fish tank water in the bath tube, she had two ways of doing it, once a week she takes almost all the water until the fish were in the bottom just with a thin line to move around, and the other way, more complex and deep cleaning was to transfer the fish to another plastic bowl with water and to take all the water from the rectangular fish tank and to pass all the sone by clean water and then to fill the tank and put back the happy fishes.
Well, this section was about my grandmother, and look what happened, my adoration for my cousin took up all the attention here. Coming back to my amazing grandmother (Olinda), she had 5 grandchildren and she took care of them when they were little children, all at the same time 5 days a week for years, sometimes just for a couple of hours other times, like all the school breaks for more than 8 hours straight. She took us to this small supermarket that has an even smaller coffee inside where we asked to eat this sweet milk bread called “duck beak” (or in the original: Bico de pato). The supermarket’s name was Mercampol, it is so nostalgic to write this name since it closed many years ago.
She was a dressmaker, and she did many of her clothes, her children’s clothes, and her grandchildren’s clothes. She was a perfectionist and hard worker. Whenever an overcoat was worn, she would take it apart and sew it inside out, where the fabric was still fresh. She made everything, from jackets to shirts, to trousers, to carnival weird suits drawn by her granddaughters, and even wedding dresses.
She did every food we ask, had ice cream and candies like a true grandmother. She still does it, at 91 and half years, (yes it is important to count the months when you get to a certain age, every month is a milestone!)
My grandmother was always a great housewife, everything was always clean and tidy, all the meals were ready on time, and every grandfather’s shirt was properly ironed and in the wardrobe. But when my grandfather died my grandmother changed so much and enjoyed life so much! She traveled with her sisters to Barcelona, and she went to adult camps with friends and much younger people too. She took the train to wherever she wanted to go and lived. She was always a very communicative person, she loves a good chat and she can easily talk to a stranger, especially if they had a dog or a child approximately 5 years ago (maybe more), she got a tablet by Christmas, and her daughter created a Facebook page and taught her how to use it, the little she knew about it. My grandmother learned so much that sometimes she asks me something about Facebook that I have never heard about, she also got a smartphone. She is a fast avid learner, she told me: “I want to know everything about this (Facebook), everything I can learn, I will”. My grandmother loved school, she was a good student but unfortunately when she was a young child, maybe 8 she lost her father, and my great-grandmother didn’t have the means to have her and her sisters at school, so they had to drop school. My grandmother went to live with her godmother to learn how to be a dressmaker so she had to stop school, but she never stopped to read. I have never met someone like her, she loves to read, she loves to learn, even at her age, so when old people say to me they are too old to learn or to do something I remind them of my grandmother. She also never complains about health issues, I think she doesn’t have them, she wears a hearing aid and glasses but that’s all. I never heard her saying she is tired, and nowadays that’s a record, or something weird! She is funny and very talkative. She can eat everything and at any hour, she can walk miles in a skirt and never complains she loves to travel so if you take her on a trip she is always ready. She is a curious 91 and half-year-old and that is so inspiring!
She was unstoppable, she was the one who open the door when the family was all in the living room super tired on the sofa except her, we always joke saying that she was the one that looked the youngest of the family and us the actually young were so tired and look “old”.
My grandmother shaped a vision of the old people in me so when I heard about someone younger than her that died I always think they were too young to die since my grandmother is great and older than that person.
My grandmother is a remarkable person, everyone that knows her thinks she is amazing, I w that because they told me!
I always thought my grandmother was going to live well at least until she was 100 years old. and it seems little since she is 91 and a half.
But last year something horrible happen to our family.
We lost Carolina, my beloved cousin, my sister, my idol, my first love, and my obsession. Even though I know it, I still don’t believe in it. It’s too hard to accept and believe and think about it.
Carolina grew up in my grandmother’s house and was also raised by her.
Even though I know my grandmother loves all of her grandchildren the same I believe they shared a special bond, Carolina didn’t have a father, she was raised by her mother, and grandparents, at least until she was 14 years old (when my grandfather died.) They lived 27 years in the same house and roof, and they were close. And now was the worst time, she just had a baby of 4 months! Why? why did she have to catch that bloody bacteria and had pneumonia that d her life in the space of a week? We weren’t ready, and we will never be. It was too hard for my family but especially for my aunt that lose her only child and my grandmother that lost her first grandchild, the closest to her, at 90 years old, she didn’t deserve that. Not her, that is so nice and amazing! And we’re supposed to live happily until 100 years old and we would cry our eyes out while we would be together holding each other’s arms, the cousins, all 5, not only 4.
Now my and my grandmother’s heart are crushed, and I heard her saying to my mother that was supposed to be her the one leaving this world, like if she could trade with Carolina… and she would for sure. So do I, so she could be here watching her son’s growing up.
Sometimes, (a lot of times actually) he says “mama, mama”, and I imagine it’s her teaching him that, that only he can see and hear her and that calms me a bit. Thinking he will know her for real and not only photos and stories.
