The year of void

The year of void

This last year was by far the hardest of my life.

It was the year I felt the most and the worst, it was the year I tried so hard to not feel anything at all because it was and it is too hard to feel.

Many times I wish I was just having a bad dream and other times I was I wasn’t here at all. I didn’t have true wishes to die, but it seemed to be the only possible way out of this real nightmare.

Losing one of your favourite people in your life, a reference while you grew up, is shattering. Especially when she was only 38 years old, and a week earlier she was just fine, sending you pictures of her 3-month-old baby.

So as this year ends and I see many year resolutions and many end-of-year posts filled with the great things people achieved and did this year, I think that I focus this year on being depressed and doing nothing but survive, trying to look normal so people won’t ask many things I didn’t want to answer and avoiding people because I didn’t want to pretend I was ok, neither to talk at all about anything.

This Year I felt so much and I didn’t want to feel at all.

This year I felt alone, (but I wanted to be alone), I felt mad and angry most of the time, I felt sad and nostalgic, and I felt procrastinating everything I “should” be doing (at least what I think people around me think I should be doing, and maybe I thought as well, I don’t know well what I truly think I think but that’s for another day), I felt a huge void in myself, almost physical, in my life and in my future.

I promise that I have tried so hard, to be productive as I was told to be. I tried to be creative and to think more “positively” about my life and my work and about the future.

Lately, I don’t feel productive or creative, my mind is filled with sad thoughts, I am not worried that my Instagram is a little bit aside this last weeks or months. I have many worries, I always had and that is my normal me.

My psychiatrist asked me if I was worried and overthinking and I just asked him, isn’t that normal for everyone?

So I don’t want to think about how was my year or about new year resolutions, after all tomorrow is just another day like today was for yesterday.