Mourning you

I am mourning you.

I will always be mourning you. How could it be in a different way? I can not think of my life without you. It’s unbearable. I feel like I am surviving, and not living, I breathe little, like if I take a deep breath could ruin the chance of you coming back to life. As If it wasn’t ruined already. It’s hard, weird, and hateful. I hate it here now. People call me dramatic, if losing you wasn’t dramatic enough, it is f*cking dramatic, let me be dramatic.

Life became bitter. Sad. Melancholic. full with only “Saudade”, our very Portuguese word that is perfect for this. I thought I had “Saudade” from you when I was younger… I had never known what real “Saudade” was… until now, a forever feeling, that never ends. Oh God, when this will ever end? I am already sick of it, It’s no longer fun to live.

I must confess that sometimes I get distracted, I laugh, and life almost looks like it was, but then I think of you and it’s like a deep and thick grey cloud that comes and start living in my head.

I feel like I am bipolar, my feelings and moods change so quickly and so often in a matter of seconds.

I f*cking miss you. We never cursed, but now the feeling is so deep that I feel the need to use it. I miss talking to you, about the banal stuff of the day, to talk about stupid random things, and now, especially now, we have so much to talk about your baby…

How can I explain to him how special you are? This feeling you gave me since I was born, that you were my favorite person ever when I was a kid? I hoped your kid thought the same way… now he didn’t know who you are… and, that just shatters my heart into even more pieces.