I am mad that you aren’t here anymore. (Part 3)
(this is part of a series of letters that I am writing to my very first friend and one one the loves of my life, my dear cousin C, that I recently lost and I don’t know how I will live the rest of my life without her, I don’t want it, how can I undo this? have anyone figured out?)
I am mad that you aren’t here anymore. I feel sad and frustrated. I don’t know how to feel but like this. I miss you, so much. I want to talk to you. Every time I see you baby I think about you and how pround you would be of him.
Your mom says he eats so well, he already started to eat soup, and you how messy it is the first soup, they spill everywhere, the dislike the taste and the texture, but not you baby, he was perfect, the dream baby, and aren’t here to see it.
I think about every accomplishment he will do and that you will not see. That makes me so sad, and I stop and experience that feeling for a bit and think that I will feel like this for so long.
I always thought that the sentence “eterna saudade” that is maybe translated like “forever missing” was something that I associated with old people, and here we are with 34 and 38 years old and these two words standing between us, so loud and solid.
People expect I move on, but how? how, without you? Do they think it is fair? do they think I want to move on without you?
how it is going to be? to live the rest of my life without you? how many painful years? how many birthdays I wol have to live without you? how many of you birthdays, without you ?
I don’t know why, but I know that I don’t like it. I sort of know that it is real but I don’t want to accept it.
How about us beeing each other’s children auntie? since you don’t have sibilings we promessed each other that, but know If I have any children thaey will never meet you.
How about us beeing old together? I never thought you would leave me. Not like this, so soon, so suddenly.
I will never let anyone forget you. specially your baby. He will be very proud of you like you were of him.
I love you so much, and I will love you forever.
you first fan, and fan number one.
minha “Calina”.
