A letter of love to the sister that was also a cousin (part 2)
(this is part of a series of letters that I am writing to my very first friend and one one the loves of my life, my dear cousin C, that I recently lost and I don’t know how I will live the rest of my life without her, I don’t want it, how can I undo this? have anyone figured out?)
when i was born i met you. i don’t really remeber but i bet it was a beautiful day.
I don’t remember living a day without you because i haven’t lived one until now, that’t why is so hard and I haven’t figured out how to do it.
I have so many memories of you, of us, I could write a novel, a very happy and beautiful novel about our childhood, adolescence and all of our adventures.
The time space is ambiguous, it looks like it was yesterday but at same time there are so many stories that looks like it was in a past life because they couldn’t possible fit in this small amount of time, that were our 34 years together.
I can’t believe I lost my very first friend, you! I will sound mean, you know me but could be almost anyone in the world, but you!
i still can’t believe, i don’t want to. i refuse to talk about you in past tense. you are 38 years old houw could i ever talked about you in the past tense? I know deep down it is real ans that’s why i cry my eyes out every day, and why i fell so tense and sad, but i still imagine you at your home taking care of your 4 months old baby.
I don’t know how to feel, I try to be ok when I am with our family, I can even smile. I am always waiting for you to come to our grammas home, to entry throw the living room narrow door and say “hello familyyy”, like you always do. I am waiting for some kind of miracle of to this long nightmare to end. i am sick of it. I wat the food news, it was a mistake, you are here, with us, and we are going to grow old together like we always thought we were. Fuck, i don’t want this anymore, i want to see you, to be with you, to tell you how much hurt are our family, our 90 year old gramma. I never saw out gramma so sad. And your mother, always beeing the strong one. I know she is devastated, wrecked, unfixable. I am like that, why shoud her be less that that?
I am thinking a lot of thing this past three weeks, since… you know. I thing to myself that I “know i don’t need to figure out my whole life right now but why not? if you knew this was happen wouldn’t you figure your hole life until this moment? I know you would, you are always with everything planed, (just like my mother). so souldn’t I have my whole life planed? me with 34 years old.. i should have so much more things done, i fell like i am stucked here, between my early 20’s. nothing more, nothing less, just collecting years full of disappointments and nothing more.
I feel I am ramble. that’s what I do when I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am trapped in an wating room forever like in a movie or in a nighmare, and never wake up.
Speaking of waking up lastely the first thing I think when I wake up is your name, like if it were the title of a movie. A very big title in front of my eyes the moment I wake up. And a wave of sadness hold me like a hug, like a fluffy wool cardigan. Everything looks so sad and grey, maybe the wheather doesn’t help. I always hated october, and the fall in general, nothing good hapened for so long, I get used to dislike this shcool, wet, grey and so-far-from-summer month, now, i hate it more than ever.
you know i am unemployed, (or like americans say: I am between jobs”) you even tried to help me last month, i appreciated that very much. Now I don’t feel like looking for any job or do anything at all, (specially when all my jobs were shitty) and everything seems meaningless, my mom says I am beeing dramatic… dramatic! can you believe that? You are not here, I can’t talk with you about that, like, forever, and she says I am being dramatic! I know you would give me reason on this, this is the most dramatic thing that happened to me and my family, so, if i can be dramatic about something is definitely this!
We never talk about this, about loosing each other, we though we would grow old and would spend all the christmas together until then. Christmas is your favourite season time, how am I supposed to go through the rest of my Christmas without you? It was bad enough when you had to work on christmas, all the family were there, but I felt your absence so much, it wasn’t the same without you. I remember the feeling… it is growing in me the last weeks.
