A letter of love to the sister that was also a cousin (part 1)

(this is part of a series of letters that I am writing to my very first friend and one one the loves of my life, my dear cousin C, that I recently lost and I don’t know how I will live the rest of my life without her, I don’t want it, how can I undo this? have anyone figured out?)

You know i love you. You know. We didn’t say it much, it is not very common to say that in our country, we say more “adore you” ou “like … you”, and I did, all the three, Like, adore and love you. I did say it on your birthday, i always sent a message saying it…

Like my mom wrote in my baby book, you were definitely by very first friend. My first cousin, and like an old sister to me. You tought me so much, you put up with so much, every time I was so upseting and inconvenient. since birth all i wanted was to be with you, i trully adored you, i wanted to be just like you, so badly, i even wished i was born in the same day you did, of course the (almost) 4 years of difference between us made it impossible, but i still wanted it. I wanted to be a vet, because you wanted to be a vet, i wanted to wear glasses because you wear glasses, i wad from Benfica (SLB) because you were from Benfica, I wanted to have dark thin straight hair because it was the way your hair was. I wanted to be with you all the time, i was just like a little annoying fan, and nobody wants a fan or a copy cat with them all the time, it is just upsetting, besides i was 4 years younger, who wanted a kid near by asking things all the time when you are with your friends of your age? my cousin rocks, she was so patient with me.

I didn’t want to live without you a single day, and now i will have to live without you forever. And I don’t know how, why is this “so” permanent? I don’t want it to be permanent. It is so hard. I just don’t want it, can I refuse this fate?

I will always love you,

your cousin that adores you,

Eliana